Is It Impostor Syndrome, or are you actually an Impostor?
WARNING: Reading the following may shed a light on uncomfortable truths about yourself, that once seen, cannot be unseen. Proceed with courage & intention, and seek help as needed.
It took 2 years of giving a signature talk on Overcoming Impostor Syndrome before I realized that I’m not covering a very important side of the topic: that sometimes you might feel like an impostor…because you actually are one. Sometimes the reason we feel we don’t belong is because we don’t. Sometimes the reason we feel that we’re deceiving everyone is because we are actually deceiving ourselves.
How does this happen? Usually very slowly, without us noticing, over years of changing our personality to fit in, and prioritizing people pleasing over living in integrity with ourselves, and our own values. Let me demonstrate with personal examples.
I didn’t choose to go to business school, that choice was made for me by a mix of family expectations and my economic situation. I didn’t choose the company I went to work for after graduation, they were the only ones willing to take me at the time (how my disdain to being there didn’t translate into a flurry of job offers is a topic for another day). So I landed in a conservative, engineering environment, that (as a whole) cultivated processes and linear thinking over creative self-expression. This is not my true nature, and I was very quickly put in my place as someone who came in ‘guns a blazing’ and that needed to mute and conform herself a lot more in order to fit in and be successful. So I did conform, and I was successful…..except. Except after over a decade of living like this for 40+ hours a week, it started to catch up with me. I started to disconnect so strongly from the person I was showing up as that I actually stopped recognizing myself in photographs. Seriously, I’d see my smiling face in a picture and for a split second think “she looks pretty and happy, wish I could be her” and then have the horrifying realization that I AM her, but I don’t FEEL like her: the inside doesn’t match the outside. That, my friends, is a powerful hint that you might be living your life as an impostor. But alone, it wasn’t enough to convince me.
Raise a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, and despite its best efforts to follow its conditioning it will always stand out as obviously different. As I struggled to understand what was wrong with me, well intentioned family, leaders and colleagues who could see my pink plumage gently tried to nudge my focus: “Maybe it’s time for you to try something different?” I wasn’t ready to receive this message. Instead of getting inspired by the possibility and freedom of living in better alignment between myself and my work, I received it as a statement of my personal failure and their collective rejection of me. I doubled down on my efforts to fit in, and to convince everyone that I belonged there, even though it made me physically sick to do so. Another very powerful hint you’re living as an impostor is when your words and actions start to make you physically ill. It took much healing and soul searching to find that the right path for me was out of corporate and into coaching, and to reconcile this truth against my preconceived ideas of what success looks like.
I am by no means suggesting that my path is the best or only path out of this type of misalignment. On the contrary, I propose that leaving the corporate world to start something completely different is neither easy nor recommended for most people. My path out was a higher calling and I have no regrets, even though I know I both disappointed and pissed off some people with this choice. My outcome is more the exception to the rule. I would strongly urge my clients to start showing up as their authentic selves before they decide to stop showing up entirely, as they could be very pleasantly surprised. Most of the time, the change we’re looking for out there is a change we’re actually craving within us.
For today, it’s more than enough if you happen to recognize yourself in this story, and sit with that realization for a while. Maybe you are actually showing up as an impostor at work, maybe it’s with your friends, and as heartbreaking as it might be to admit it, maybe it’s even in your marriage. If you’re realizing that what you’ve been selling to the outside world is in fact a lie, and not who you are nor wish to be, there is much important work to be done, and it starts with forgiveness and acceptance of yourself. It can feel terrifying, it can feel so lonely, it can be tempting to try and forget it and not disturb the status quo. On the other hand, with intention, focus and the right support, it can be the beginning of a life filled with the type of peace, joy and purpose that only authenticity allows. As always, the choice is yours.
